How can I improve this poem?
I did a major edit on this one, and hope it is better for it. Any suggestions? Other than burn it, that is. Fifth of May I started out to see the world, It was the fifth of May. I wondered if I'd see it all, And do it in a day. I took a walk along the shore, The sea was to my right. The smell and sound filled up my head, Enhancing such a sight. The waves were crashing on the shore, A sound like dynamite. The water droplets flying by, Like tiny birds in flight The spray was flying in the air, Unfurling as a sail. Shooting to the left and right, Just like a serpent's tail. As on I walked the great sea calmed, I found a tiny beach. It seemed a long way down to it, 'Twas almost out of reach. But down I climbed, and stood alone, Upon the packed wet sand. And marvelled at the workmanship, Of Mother Nature's hand. Then down I sat upon the sand, My toes splashed in the sea. My name I scratched upon the beach, For all the world to see. I wondered if I was the first, To reach this lovely spot. The only asnwer that I found, Said, "Oh, I reckon not". As I got up to go again, Upon my lonely lark. A wave then washed my name away, And left there narry mark. As I climbed up I turned around, Would I come back this way? To see this little strip of sand. I found this fifth of May. Stanza 4, Line 4, change Just to Much.
Poetry - 14 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
The 5th of May.. I never saw it before or if I did I am not fully recognizing it. I want to sit on that beach that is the only improvement I can offer. Would you draw me a map in the sand?
2 :
Sir Dondi, I think this is fine the way it is. Great read!
3 :
This is an excellent poem! Much better than I could ever write. The only mistake I found was a typo, "asnwer", on paragraph 8, verse 3. I would reccomend copywriting this, so someone does not plaigerouize this poem. Once again, GREAT JOB!!!
4 :
I would like to hear 'and left there not a mark.' to keep the drumbeat. Otherwise, let's go down to the sea again on my little sloop Bay Gull, we'll sail the Bay to Ocean deep for your poem is a ten.
5 :
I absolutely loved this! Saw you there, was with you. I agree with Elaine on the narry...I actually looked it up, always thought it was nary...anyway, since it made me stop, go with Elaine's suggestion. Loved it, Mr. Balladeer! ma
6 :
I agree with Elaine on the narry mark. Love the poem, as I walked on the beach with you. if you need a 'rating' 10 is only a meager number I would rather give 100!
7 :
I would never attempt to even think "i" could improve anything you penned, other then a typo, even those I don't always catch my own. This was a nice May walk along the beach, you didn't spy me walking behind you, next time I'll call out.
8 :
The Muse is back! I have to agree with EP's suggestion, as well. Very nice indeed.
9 :
I thought it moved along nicely and worked well from start to finish. I say leave it be and call it a finished piece.....I enjoyed reading it, and will go back and read it again
10 :
Dondi, I always love your work.
11 :
You cant,or should I say chante S3 brilliant
12 :
You're asking no. 1 "groupie" how you can improve it.Love it just the way it is.Went on the walk with you.You made summer feel like it was just around the corner.
13 :
I remember this one, it is as beautiful as ever, maybe more so. The most beautiful poem you ever wrote was Sea of Life. I memorized it.
14 :
Mate, I wouldn't change it....too inspiring.... Down to the sea by Jellz (inspired by Dondi) Oh that we'd all go down to the sea go down to those sandy strips where air is clear and water's high enough to carry all ships where birds fly high and shifting sand creeps tween our pacing toes where flying thoughts can be set free inspiring us to prose Oh that we'd all go down to the sea go down to the salty waves to watch how ocean's pulse gives life such swelling tide it saves Oh that we’d all go down to the sea inspired forever more to wander free sea, sand and we upon this vibrant shore