What do you think of my story?
This is just the beginning or the Rising Action I want peoples' opinions before continuing Cruise Ship Fun “Kids come down here, family meeting†Mrs. Fargo shouted. Jennifer, Tom, and Zayda walked down the stairs and into the dining room. “everyone have a seat, we each have 1 week off so it’s time to vote on a vacation†Mr. Fargo said. “you have the choice of a 4 day trip to Australia or a 7 day cruise to Mexico†Mrs. Fargo announced. “cruise†Tom shouted excitedly. “trip to Mexico al right, cruise†Zayda said. “Boat†jennifer said pointing to Uncle Hatchers Yacht. “well it’s 3 to 2 so we’re forced 2, lets take the cruise†Mrs. Fargo said. Saturday morning the family arrives to the airport. “you excited?†Mrs. Fargo said while going through the security checkpoint. “yea†Mr. Fargo said lugging all the suitcases. after the security checkpoint and breakfast the family arrived at gate 7A. “Attention Ladies and gentlemen we will now begin boarding all our first class passengers. on flight 607 nonstop to Los Angeles at gate 7A†the boarding lady announced. “daddy the lady said we need to board†Jennifer said. “I know sweetheart lets go†Mr. Fargo said. the family board their flight and land safely in Los Angeles. Saturday night they stay in a hotel and get a cab to the Port of Long Beach At 11AM the Fargos are in line to get their cabin keys. “mom I’m tired†Tom said. after getting their cards they go up the escalator and step on the gangway. “ship!!†Jennifer yelled pointing to the huge cruise ship docked in front of them. “look at this view†Zayda yelled. once they board they got to eat lunch then to their cabin. “okay Zayda since you’re 14 you go to Circle C get the paperwork then explore the ship, Tom since you’re 16 you go to O2, take this sticker, both of you be back at 3:45†Mrs. Fargo commanded. “what about me daddy?†Jennifer asks. “you go to Camp Carnival, we’re going to take you there†Mr. Fargo said. at 3:45 everyone returned to then cabin and sat down. “okay we’re going to the Normandie to eat at 6:00 so...†Mrs. Fargo was interrupted by a doorbell type chime. “we have a doorbell?†Tom asked. “attention all passengers I am captain Galotto we will be having a mandatory muster station drill, once you hear the emergency alarm grab your life jackets and without putting them on head ti your muster station indicated on the back of your cabin door, this drill is mandatory†the captain said over the intercom system. after the drill and dinner the family goes to bed. the next morning at 7:56 AM they are eating on the 7th deck. then a loud bang roars through the ship. then the ship begins to rock back and forth. “what was that?†a woman from the table next to them asks. “man overboard†a faint voice shouted. tension growing by the second 45 seconds pass, the sea is calm, the room is quiet. all of a sudden a second bang even louder, the rocking is so hard plates fall off tables and people are thrown to the glass walls. then the room is again quiet, everyone anxious.
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Honestly, about 90% of that (everything up to when someone goes overboard) is the kind of stuff you should end up omitting from your manuscript. It's a cute story, but all that stuff before the last paragraph isn't at all entertaining. It may be for you because you are the writer and you know and love your characters... I understand. But you have to think of the audience. There's nothing there that they absolutely CANNOT go without knowing. I think you have potential, do not give up.
Title : What do you think of my story
Description : What do you think of my story? This is just the beginning or the Rising Action I want peoples' opinions before continuing Cruise Ship...