Can anyone proofread my FIT admissions essay?
" Beneath the makeup and behind the smile, I am just a girl who wishes for the world." - Marilyn Monroe. A quote from one of the world's most remarkable woman inspired me as a child to look at the world as if it was art. Fashion has been in my family for ages, and now it is my time to live out the legacy. Ever since I can remember, getting up every morning just to go to my grandmother's house was a dream come true. Why you ask? Because to me, she is the Coco Chanel of my hometown. I remember I was five years old at the time and I dressed up in her high heels, long string of pearls, the famous Coco Chanel " little black dress " and an overly large hat, just to be like my grandmother. At that very moment, I knew what I was put on Earth to do. Five years old? You may say there is no possible way, but with having the greatest passion for fashion merchandising as me there is. Back in high school when all of my friends went to the nice beach's in the South, I was the one who took the long flights over to Europe. One year my first stop was Paris, France and I made my way with my mother to the Galerie Lafayette. I had just completed my second year in French, and I communicated with the workers at Yves Saint Laurent about their merchandise. I remember we were coming out of the Louvre, and off to the most famous street in Paris, Champs-Elysses, we went. Just seeing the most high end fashion brands you can name on one street was almost breath taking, along with having the most fascinating scenery to go along with it. Even seeing the fashion in Barcelona was such a bliss to see, and since then it was a fact that I was made to go into fashion merchandising as a career. Also in high school, I was always the one who dressed the other girls in the morning right before school. Basically every night I would be demanded to stay the night at other friend's houses and bring over my wardrobe just to make everyone look their best for that day at school. Even for school dances, we always went to a gown shop in Pennsylvania and I was their fashion stylist for the day. Having people look up to me and ask me what looks best on them always touched my heart, and all I really want to do is to touch other peoples lives. Having someone go from having low self-esteem to high self-esteem has always been a rush for me just because I made a difference. To me, fashion is to my passion as art would be to Van Gogh. There is never something too plain or too extravagant to show one's true ideas and expressions. In my mind, that is what I see every time I go to New York City, or to be exact, Bryant Place. Walking into the park is like walking into a new world, with seeing this years latest trends, to the most unique ideas someone could ever see. With that, it has inspired me to put forth my ideas on one's body. In my family, being in the field of fashion merchandising would never be an option. My mom is a school bus driver, and my dad owns his own car business, and with that, I would be the first in my family to go to college. I was enrolled in West Virginia University for Orthodontics, but I only stayed one night because it just did not feel right to go to a school I did not want to go to , and have a major I was not interested in. I really could not say what made me choose to go into the profession of Dentistry, maybe for the money, or maybe because it was a secure job, but with fashion merchandising I am willing to take the chance of not having a secure job. The one thing I do know is that if I am accepted into the Fashion Institute of Technology, it would be my dream come true, and the greatest honor to attend such a classy and all around great school as FIT. Back in high school when all of my friends went to the nice beach’s in the South, I was the one who took the long flights over to Europe. After I finished my second year in French, I decided to take a trip with my mother to Paris, France. Little did I know, when she and I went to the Galerie Lafayette to visit the Yves Saint Laurent store, I was tempted to speak to them in French but their English was proficient. I remember we were coming out of the Louvre, and off to the most famous street in Paris, Champs-Elysses, we went. Just seeing the most high end fashion brands you can name on one street was almost breath taking, along with having the most fascinating scenery to go along with it, but it is Paris what else could I expect? umm.. honestly i dont know how to work this thing, im going to repost the essay that i just redone. ‘ Beneath the makeup and behind the smile, I am just a girl who wishes for the world.†- Marilyn Monroe. A quote from one of the world’s most remarkable woman inspired me as a child to look at the world as if it was art. Fashion has always been an important icon in my family. Ever since I can remember, getting up every morning just to go to my grandmother’s house was a dream come true. Why you ask? Because to me, she is the Tammy Apostol of my hometown. I remember I was five years old at the time and I dressed up in her high heels, long string of pearls, a “ little black dress “ and an overly large hat, just to be like my grandmother. At that very moment, I knew what I was put on Earth to do. Five years old? You may say there is no possible way, but with having the greatest passion for fashion merchandising as me there is.
Higher Education (University +) - 1 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
Constructive criticism here... 1. Fashion has not been in your family (according to this letter) for ages. Your grandmother, I assume is working as the neighborhood seamstress but your mother does not appear to have the urge to go that direction. You should rephrase the opening statement. I can assure you every student at FIT has a seamstress in their family or were influenced by Coco Chanel. My advise... pick a relatively unknown designer that only those who truly UNDERSTAND fashion will recognize. 2. Basically every night I would be demanded to stay the night at other friend's houses and bring over my wardrobe just to make everyone look their best for that day at school. I think this statement is a vast exaggeration and you should rethink it. I mean EVERY night? EVERY? 3. Van Gogh was mentally unstable whose passions ran the gauntlet from women to the church to his art. 4. You conclude with, "such a classy and all around great school as FIT" I dislike this sentence. It sounds like you are begging and your choice of the word classy does not fit. 5. If everyone knows that fashion is your passion then why did you attend WVU? I would not even mention that school in my statement. 6. You said, "Even seeing the fashion in Barcelona was such a bliss to see" Spain is a wonderful artistic country with great designers have hailed from so you should not act surprised. 7. When you went to Paris and the YSL store you should know they speak English quite nicely. You can leave off the statement about speaking to them in French. 8. Just be yourself in the letter. It's not about legacies that don't exist or passions that don't correlate it is simply about why you think you should go to FIT. Like a piece to puzzle how do the two fit? Love to read the final draft. Additional info: Much better I checked out Tammy Apostol website. I am impressed and I am sure the people at FIT would be too. Everyone knows who Coco Chanel is but only fashionistas know Tammy Apostol.
Title : Can anyone proofread my FIT admissions essay
Description : Can anyone proofread my FIT admissions essay? " Beneath the makeup and behind the smile, I am just a girl who wishes for the world....