Tear this to shreds if you will please?
In other words could you give me some good criticism for my prologue. Prologue On a mountain top somewhere in Greece a goddess was giving birth as the father watched. It was snowing and as the flakes fell on her face they melted and rolled down her cheeks. With a final push and scream the child was here. “Is it a boy or a girl?†The mother asked straining her neck to see the child that the father was now holding standing in front of her. “It’s a boy†the god said stunned “but he’s not immortal like us.†And it was true the boy had no glowing aura like the two others around him. He’d been born with a full head of thick dark brown hair and had sharp green eyes that were already alert even though he was only seconds old. Yet the eyes didn’t gleam or shine and the child couldn’t talk or move like a newly born god should be able to do so. Tears began to roll down the face of the goddess along with the snowflakes. Her eyes had taken on the abnormal color of blue in her sorrow. “It’s just as we feared then breaking my vow of virginity has cursed the child.†The father handed over the child to its mother “what shall we name him?†She looked into the child’s eyes for over a minute before saying “Xander.†With a flash of light she put a bundle of white blankets around the child that he soon became comfortable in. She loved her child but knew she couldn’t hold on to him long. If her father found out about him it would be the end for the child. He would kill the boy without hesitation. “A great name for the child†he said; he really meant it too. However he knew what his love was thinking that the child needed to be hidden. “Give him back over to me I must take him away you know your father will see him soon.†It took all her will power to hand over the child she was well aware that it would probably be the last time she ever got to see him. He walked over to the mountain’s edge and whistled and a white pegasus soared out of the clouds and landed next to him. Mounting with a grace only a god could manage he was ready for flight. “Where are you going to take him†she asks suddenly knowing he won’t tell her but she has to try. “I know what you are thinking and I’m not going to tell you†he says kicking into the pegasus and flying off into the night air. His flight is a long one that last all night; his speed is fast and constant. Most of the flight was over the Atlantic ocean this he doesn’t mind he would have preferred the Mediterranean oh well, but soon he finds a small city along the coast he figures what town could be better. Landing in the tide of the beach he dismounts the baby had slept the entire trip and it continued to do so. There was a neighborhood only a mere fifty yards away from the beach he strolls up to the nearest house leaving his ride behind. Finding the porch he sits the child down on the welcome rug in front of the door. Whipping out of thin air he makes a scroll and a pen appear in his hands. Briskly he writes down the name Xander and set it atop the child in his bundle. Later that morning Lisa and Ted Chance would find the child… Thanks if you actually read it. thank you for all the answers and yes for the purpose of the plot I'm keeping the reader from knowing who the two gods are. I just got started on this book and am still in the process of writing the first chapter but I'd be glad to give it to those who liked to read it
Books & Authors - 9 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
I really enjoyed the simplicity of the way this is written, in explaining this situation it can easily become too wordy, i also like why the boy isnt a god. :) good job!
2 :
pleeaase finish i would so read your book wat would th title be
3 :
I loved it! Which Goddess was it, I can only think of Athena and Artemis who swore to remain maidens or was of a lesser god. I can't think of any lesser gods who made that vow at the moment. Sorry that isn't what you asked us to do... I just love the greek gods. I think it was well written, but I think you shod have described the goddess alittle more so people (like me- who love mythology) could have a better idea of who she is but still leave a slight air of mystery. All in all. I think it sounds great and I would totally buy the book.
4 :
it's written in a very passive voice, can you bring it into present tense? For example a first sentence could read "a snow flake fell, caressed her check, melting, gliding down her smooth skin, urging her to push. The next contraction gathered strength, the baby was ready..." It brings you into the moment much more. I'd like to get into the heads of at least one of the characters more. how does the father feel about seeing the birth? ow does it feel to give birth? the elation and endorphins of those last few moments before the bub makes its way out? What about the utter disappointment for the bub not being immortal? What does it mean if the father of the goddess finds out? death for the child? does she imagine this as she hands it over? I like the idea of this story. its a great start! keep on going, don't let anything discourage you. In fact I'd love to read it when you have some more. You should know that the first few chapters are always the hardest. many novelists start in the middle, or even the end.
5 :
The idea itself is nice. I like the simplicity of it, which is good, especially if this is aimed at children or adolescents. Criticism: Your grammar needs some serious fixing. Pay close attention to punctuation. Your ideas seem incomplete. I see passive voice a few times. Passive voice isn't good for story-telling. IMPORTANT: When narrating a story, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, use past tense. It should not be "he dismounts", it should be "he dismounted".
6 :
I think it sounds like Hercules just with more detail and he comes out already immortal. I'm not saying you don't have a good writing style I just feel like I've read it before.
7 :
I like it, but unless it's necessary to the plot to leave the names out, I would give the god and goddess names. Also, I felt that it lacked some needed punctuation. For instance this is how I would write the last paragraph: Landing in the beach tide, the god dismounts with the baby sleeping soundly. A mere fifty yards away there is a neighborhood. He walks to the nearest house, leaving his ride behind, and sets the child upon the welcome rug on the porch. Out of thin air he produces a scroll and pen. Briskly he writes down the child's name, Xander, and sets it atop of him. Later that morning Lisa and Ted Chance would find the child.... My version isn't perfect, but something along those lines. Also, in my opinion I would write the prologue in past tense. Other than that I think that the story line is a good one and sounds interesting. Hope I helped some.
8 :
The first sentence should be, "on a snowy mountain top," and erase the second sentence altogether. Then later with the "Tears began to roll down the face of the goddess along with the snowflakes," make some point about how the tears meld with the melting snow on her face. Instead of having the dialogue actually state that, "he isn't immortal like us," just name the differences, your readers should do a little bit of thinking. Continue to read over it and change minute details that you feel might hinder the flow of the reader. This isn't terrible and I was quite amused with the names Ted and Lisa Chance.
9 :
You've changed from past to present tense a few times. Changing tense is a giant no-no. Pick one and stick with it. Most fiction is written in past; present is generally considered harder to write/stick to. It's fairly riddled with passive voice. You've got serious punctuation problems. After every bit of dialogue, if there's an attributive clause, there should be a comma. Eg: “A great name for the child†he said versus “A great name for the child,†he said You've also got some really muddled sentences that just don't read well. One that stuck with me was this "Most of the flight was over the Atlantic ocean this he doesn’t mind he would have preferred the Mediterranean oh well, but soon he finds a small city along the coast he figures what town could be better."
Title : Tear this to shreds if you will please
Description : Tear this to shreds if you will please? In other words could you give me some good criticism for my prologue. Prologue On a mountain top s...